How to dress like a pirate and look like Johnny Depp

Imagine my surprise when researching this blog I type in dress like a pirate to Google and the first link I'm directed to is literally Dress like a pirate. Need pirates? Order them online! Want to dress as a pirate in everyday life? Get a job as an extra! I wonder if Disney signed up to this for the Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

I told my suffering mother I wanted to be a pirate. She wasn't as enthused as I was because it would mean I would quit my job and take up residence in Tobago or Cuba. But, just for practice I looked into being a pirate in Glasgow.

It annoyed me that I couldn't really justify hiring out a few pirates for the day, like some kind of bizarre escorts. Like rent-a-crowd, only with pirates. It's not my birthday till next April and I don't really have any young relatives to latch onto. I try suggesting to my sister and fiance Jim they should adopt a kid, Madonna style, so we can have a birthday party and I can hire out the pirates, but she wasn't keen. Even if she got pregnant now I'd have to wait a year for a christening party or naming party and that's too long.

Take them shopping or something, maybe the park? If I did hire my new pirate friends for a day I'll be dammed if I won't grasp the opportunity to embrace pirate culture. I'd hire about ten so I would make eleven and we could play as a football team and dress the part and talk on the official pirate message board with all my pirate friends.

No self respecting pirate is complete without a parrot, so start here at the parrot society for advice. The genius of eyepatches is that you can easily conceal the fact that you don't really need an eyepatch and you're just wearing it to look like a pirate with an eyepatch! How cool is that! And don't forget to talk like a pirate, September 13th is international talk like a pirate day.

Until then I suppose I'll just have to settle for watching Pirates 3 at the cinema now. And if it doesn't attract enough people to the cinema I have a great idea about how to fill up those empty seats

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