Girls Aloud announce that while shooting their latest video Kimberly and Cheryl hit upon a solution to the global warming crisis. Scientists try to disprove their theory but have to admit that it?s perfect and so Girls Aloud solve global warming.
Nothing happens in April at all. Literally nothing. People get up and go to work. That?s about it.
The European Championship are so boring without the fantastical footballing skill of England and the likes of Stevie G and John Terry, Austria forfeit their place so they can play. Despite this England get knocked out on penalties against Portugal in the quarter-finals.
Tony Blair becomes a chat show host in the Jonathan Ross model but is promptly sacked by ITV when his interview with Graham Norton crosses conversational boundaries that the public just aren?t ready for.
The British Olympic squad wins every event they enter in which they have a chance of success while a host of ?plucky Australians? finish fourth.
The latest series of Big Brother ends after an unprecedented mix of intelligent, interesting and funny contestants prove the British public can enjoy watching people getting along and talking sense as much as they do watching morons fighting about milk.
The Loch Ness monster is discovered and everyone is very pleased. ?Nessie? soon becomes a major attraction worldwide. Jealous of the success the Yeti too shows himself but people just find him arrogant.
The latest innovation from Apple revolutionises toast. The I-Toaster is a sleek, stylish and portable device that allows the user to have toast whenever they want. It has butter holding capabilities and a choice of spreads built in. People on public transport moan about the constant smell of toast.
The Christmas number one is actually taken by a good song, that somehow encapsulates the hope and joy of the season, as well as the slight tinge of sadness at another year gone ? rather than some music-by-numbers cover by the X-factor ?winner? who will never be heard from again.