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Girls Aloud solve Global Warming

January

The government loses more data, this time the details of tax returns, so everyone in Britain doesn?t have to pay tax and there is nothing the government can do about it.

February

Girls Aloud announce that while shooting their latest video Kimberly and Cheryl hit upon a solution to the global warming crisis. Scientists try to disprove their theory but have to admit that it?s perfect and so Girls Aloud solve global warming.

March

Paris Hilton declares she is sick of all her money and becomes a reclusive artist living in the highlands of Scotland. Despite this she manages to appear on the internet again.

April

Nothing happens in April at all. Literally nothing. People get up and go to work. That?s about it.

May

The Liberal Democrats surge to power with a massive landslide election after both the Tories and the Labour party forget to enter a candidate.

June

The European Championship are so boring without the fantastical footballing skill of England and the likes of Stevie G and John Terry, Austria forfeit their place so they can play. Despite this England get knocked out on penalties against Portugal in the quarter-finals.

July

Tony Blair becomes a chat show host in the Jonathan Ross model but is promptly sacked by ITV when his interview with Graham Norton crosses conversational boundaries that the public just aren?t ready for.

August

The British Olympic squad wins every event they enter in which they have a chance of success while a host of ?plucky Australians? finish fourth.

September

The latest series of Big Brother ends after an unprecedented mix of intelligent, interesting and funny contestants prove the British public can enjoy watching people getting along and talking sense as much as they do watching morons fighting about milk.

October

The Loch Ness monster is discovered and everyone is very pleased. ?Nessie? soon becomes a major attraction worldwide. Jealous of the success the Yeti too shows himself but people just find him arrogant.

November

The latest innovation from Apple revolutionises toast. The I-Toaster is a sleek, stylish and portable device that allows the user to have toast whenever they want. It has butter holding capabilities and a choice of spreads built in. People on public transport moan about the constant smell of toast.

December

The Christmas number one is actually taken by a good song, that somehow encapsulates the hope and joy of the season, as well as the slight tinge of sadness at another year gone ? rather than some music-by-numbers cover by the X-factor ?winner? who will never be heard from again.

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